


In The End We Will All Burn Together

by AtLeastWeWontBeLonelyInHell



Category: The Mentalist
Genre: Angst, Dark, Drama, F/M, dark themes, dark&twisty, re-post from 2014
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-16
Updated: 2014-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-11 04:57:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17440364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AtLeastWeWontBeLonelyInHell/pseuds/AtLeastWeWontBeLonelyInHell
Summary: Teresa meets him for the first time on a sunny afternoon in spring when she’s five years old.





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> And a BIG special thank you goes to the wonderful clairebare for beta reading!

**In The End We Will All Burn Together**

**Part I**

**.**

**.**

Teresa meets him for the first time on a sunny afternoon in spring when she’s five years old.

She’s sitting on a swing in the park with her favorite doll Anne, singing a song she learned in pre-school that day. Her mother and her little brothers just a few feet away in the sandbox behind her.

For a moment she’s distracted by a butterfly and the blonde boy seems to come out of nowhere, ripping the doll out of her hand with a devilish grin on his face.

„Give it back,“ Teresa yells. „That’s mine!“

The boy just laughs, shaking his head and taking a few steps back. „No,“ he tells her. „I don’t want to.“

Teresa bites her lip. Fighting hard to hold her tears back. She’s a big girl. Big girls don’t cry. She looks around for her mother, but she’s not in the sandbox anymore. Her brothers must have wanted to go and feed the ducks.

„Please give it back,“ Teresa tries again. She looks pleadingly at the boy. Her tears on the verge of spilling.

„Why are you crying,“ the boy asks. „It’s just a doll.“

„Because I love her,“ Teresa tells him. She’s irritated now, wondering why he was asking such silly things . „Don’t you have a favorite toy?“

The boy flashes her a bright smile. And she sighs in relief, sure he’s going to give her Anne back. But he doesn’t. And when she spots the pocket knife in his left hand, it’s already too late.

She screams a high-pitched scream, before falling to her knees and staring at the torn doll in the grass.

„Why did you do that?“ She sobs, tears now falling down her cheeks. The boy just laughs.

„Because I could,“ he tells her carelessly. He puts away his knife and bends down to his knees. „My name is Ray,“ he tells her then. Using the sleeves of his shirt to brush away her tears. „What’s your name?“

Teresa just stares at him furiously. He tore up Anne and now he’s asking for her name? She hates him. And she wants to hit him, tear out some of that blonde hair of his. Wants to take away that pocket knife and dump it in the pond. But she doesn’t.

„My name is Teresa,“ she tells him instead.

**.**

**.**


	2. PART II

**In The End We Will All Burn Together**

**Part II**

**.**

**.**

Teresa is ten. She’s hiding in the basement under the stairs. She’s not playing a game, no. And she’s not playing with dolls either. Her baby brother David is sleeping on her chest.

Her brothers James and Tommy are curled up on the mattress beside her, too. Dried tears on their sleeping faces. And Teresa can still hear the screams from upstairs. Her father shouting, her mother crying. Glass breaking.

She closes her eyes, putting her hand protectively on David’s back. She shouldn’t be the one holding him. She’s too young. And she shouldn’t have to hide in the basement either.

That’s not how life is supposed to be for a ten year old.

But that’s just how things are now. Just how things had become since her father had gotten into a fire a year ago. A fire that took four of his friends and left him angry at the world, but mostly at his own family.

Teresa lets her head rest against the wall behind her, closing her eyes. The yelling gets louder and she wishes someone would just call the police. But she already knows no one will. They never do.

That’s not how things go in their neigborhood. And besides, even if the cops would show up, no one would take her father to the station. He’s a fireman and a hero after all. At least that’s what the fire department claims him to be.

„Teresa.“ It’s Rays voice that makes her look up. She watches him climb through the window, hopping into the basement and she can’t help but smile. „Ray,“ she whispers. Already sliding aside to make room for him.

He sits down beside her, his small fingers brushing away the tears from her face.

„You shouldn’t cry,“ he tells her sternly. „They don’t deserve it.“

And Teresa knows he’s right. She sighs, kissing her baby brother softly on the forehead.

„I’m tired,“ she starts, tries to stifle a yawn. „But I’m scared he’s going to break down the door.“

Ray shakes his head. „Sleep,“ he tells her then. „I’ll make sure he won’t.“ She’s too tired to doubt him, so she lets her head sink against the boy’s shoulder. Closes her eyes.

„Promise me you won’t leave,“ she mumbles, already falling asleep.

„I promise,“ he whispers, his hand holding hers.

.

Teresa is twelve when her mother dies in a car accident.

Her father is passed out on the living room floor and her brothers are staying with their aunt for a few days. Teresa has to stay with her father. She’s the oldest and someone has to make sure her father doesn’t set the house on fire with his cigarette when he falls asleep

Teresa can’t help but wish he would. Then it would be over. And they would be free.

She bites her lip angrily, fighting back her tears when she reminds herself of what she promised her mother years ago. That she would look after her brothers. Now they’re all she has left.

Ray finds her sometime later, hiding there under the stairs. Dried tears on her face, her hands trembling. Bruises covering her face as well as her body.

„What happened?“ he asks her, his eyes never leaving her face.

„We’re all he has left,“ she whispers. Her voice hoarse. „Why can’t he just love us?“

She keeps looking at the blonde boy beside her, searching for an answer. An answer he doesn’t have. He offers her a smile instead, sliding closer.

„I love you,“ he tells her, his small hand taking hers. „I always will.“

.

Teresa is fourteen. And she’s sick.

She’s freezing and sweating, her head and her throat hurting like hell. She rests her feverish face against the cold wall beside her and wishes she could crawl back to bed.

„Teresa, can you hear me?“ it’s Ray’s voice. And it takes her a while to make out his features in the dark. „Teresa?“ His cold hand rests on her forehead.

She hisss at the sudden contact, a shiver runs down her spine. Her teeth chatter.

„You’re burning up,“ he tells her, sinking down on the ground beside her. „Why aren’t you in bed?“

She wants to answer, but her voice won’t work. And she doesn’t need to, because the noise coming from upstairs already tells him everything he needs to know.

„I’ll be right back,“ Ray mutters angrily and Teresa just nods. Lets her eyes fall shut.

She’s not sure if it’s just the fever. Not sure if she’s dreaming or hallucinating. But she’s almost sure she can hear Ray’s voice from upstairs, screaming at her father. It’s silent. Ray comes back to get her.

He cradles her in his arms, carrying her back up to her room. She knows she’s light as a feather. There’s not enough food in the house to gain any weight. But it feels nice to be carried.

She’s too tired to ask what he did, too tired to ask where her father went. He must have left the house.

That’s when it hits her. Her brothers. Someone needs to pick them up from school, needs to make them dinner. She has no time to be sick.

She tries to sit up in her bed, tries to tell Ray, but ends up coughing. Gasping for air. Retching. Glad she hasn’t eaten in days.

„Just sleep,“ Ray tells her. Softly pushing her back down on the bed, his hand resting on her forehead. „I’ll go and pick up your brothers.“

And he really does, he even makes them dinner. And he stays with her the whole night to make sure she’s safe.

When she meets her father in the kitchen the next morning, he’s not even looking at her. He just gets up from the table, brushes past her and leaves the room.

She sees the bruises covering his face, though.

.

Teresa is sixteen and they’re sitting on the backseat of his car, sharing a bottle of bourbon and a joint. His hands are down her pants, touching her lightly through the soft fabric of her panties. And she feels herself getting wet.

It feels good and she wants him to keep going, wants him to pull her panties aside. Maybe she’s ready. Maybe it’s time.

His lips are trailing down her neck and she feels like flying. There’s something she wants, something she needs. Even though she doesn’t know what it is.

„I love you,“ he tells her. His breath hot against her skin. „I love you, Teresa.“ And she knows Ray means it. Knows since he tore appart her doll in a park.

She lets him kiss her, touch her. But it’s not enough anymore. She tears at his clothes, rubbing herself against him. She needs…she wants…

Shes gasps for air, her fingers tugging at his hair. She’s not sure what she wants him to do, she just knows she needs him to do it now. And of course he knows, too.

Just like he always does.

He pushes her down on the leather seats roughly. Darkness glistening in his eyes. „I’m going to make you mine,“ he tells her. Bending down to rip away her jeans in one quick move.

And then he does.

.

Teresa is almost eighteen when he barges into her bathroom one night. She’s sitting on the floor next to the bathtub, blood dripping from her wrists leaving a puddle on the white tiles.

He takes the razor out of her trembling hands angrily, grabbing a towel to wrap the bleeding wounds.

„Why do you keep doing that?“ Ray asks her, furious and annoyed. He doesn’t scream. Not at her.

„I can’t take it anymore,“ she whispers. „I want it to stop.“

„But you’re leaving for College,“ he tells her, bending down beside her. „There are only a few weeks to go.“

She just shakes her head. „I can’t leave“, she whispers. Tears in her eyes. „I can’t leave my brothers with him.“

Her sight gets blurry and then everything goes dark.

.

A week later Ray is already waiting on her front porch, when she comes home. She knows something is wrong the moment she spots him.

There’s something in his eyes, something she hasn’t seen before. Something final. And for a moment she’s scared.

_What did he do?_

„What are you doing here?“ she asks him. „If my father sees you out here, he’s going to kill us both.“

He gives her a smile, his eyes beaming with happiness. „No Teresa, he won’t.“

Teresa just stares. She lets go of her backpack instantly, making her way up the steps and inside the house.

She smells the blood long before she finds him. And she feels like throwing up the second she spots his dead body on the couch.

There are empty bottles on the floor, pieces of glass lingering on the carpet. Blood splattered all over the wall. Her fathers gun clapsed tightly in his hand.

Teresa gasps, pressing a hand against her mouth to stifle a scream. Trying her best to keep her stomach contents from spilling over the carpet.

„He won’t hurt you again,“ Ray tells her when he comes in behind her. His breath hot against her neck. „It’s over, Teresa.“ And she can’t help but shiver.

„What did you do,“ she whispers. Her eyes wide with fear. „What did you do, Ray?“

„I took care of him,“ he tells her with a smile, taking her hand into his own and spinning her around to face him. „And now you’re free to come with me.“

**.**

**.**


	3. PART III

**In The End We Will All Burn Together**

**Part III**

**.**

**.**

Two hours later, she’s sitting at the police station, crying on Officer McRiley’s shoulder. Sobbing like a five year old. Her tears soaking his jacket.

He holds her in his arms awkwardly, telling her that everything will be fine. That she and her brothers will be okay. That her father is in a better place now, reunited with her mother. That they’ll both watch over them all from now on.

And Teresa has to suppress a laugh.

The man is such an idiot.

She spots Ray out of the corner of her eye, sitting at Officer Martin’s desk, wearing the same heartbroken expression she does. Telling Martin the exact same story she just told McRiley.

When Ray turns his head for a moment and looks at her briefly she spots it in his eyes. How proud he is that she manages to play the loving daughter.

A few hours later, they’re sitting side by side in his car in front of her house. Her brothers safely tucked in bed at her aunt’s place.

Her fathers death is noted as a suicide. And of course it looks like it, Ray made sure of it.

Teresa stares at her childhood home, unable to move. She feels sick and her head hurts from all the crying. Her mind reels from all the lies she just told.

„I can’t go back in there,“ she whispers after what feels like a lifetime. Hating herself for sounding so weak and needy.

Ray’s quiet for a long time, before he starts the engine.

„You don’t have to.“

.

They’re driving through a neighborhood Teresa hasn’t been through before, until he brings the car to a sudden halt in front of an impressive three story mansion.

„What are we doing here?“ Teresa asks him irritated, when he gets out of the car.

„That’s where I live,“ he tells her smoothly. Opening her door and helping her out.

Teresa can’t help but stare. Firstly at Ray, then at the house and back at Ray. He’s joking right? He must be joking. This can’t be true.

He sighs, taking her hand and leading her to the front door.

The house is even more impressive from the inside. Her own home would fit in there more than twice and even the doorknob looks expensive.

„That’s the reason you never invited me over,“ she mutters, still staring. Ray nods, leading her into the hallway and closing the door behind him.

„You would have thought you weren’t good enough for me. You would have run off.“ He looks serious, more serious than ever. Like a grown up man and not like some highschool boy.

„I am not good enough, Ray,“ she whispers. Tears welling up in her green eyes. „I mean, look at this,“ she’s waving her hand through the room. „I could never fit into your world.“

Ray just shakes his head at her. „Of course you can, Teresa. Don’t you dare think otherwise.“ He makes a step forward before pulling her into his arms and pressing his lips against hers.

She can’t help giving in to him instantly, her arms closing around his neck and pulling him even closer. Her tongue slipping into his mouth, fighting a losing battle.

Ray has her already pushed up against the wall, his hand between her legs when she suddenly pulls away from him.

„You paid the rent for our house, didn’t you?“ she mutters breathlessly. The realization hitting her full force now.

For a moment she’s afraid he’ll be angry at her for ruining the moment, but Ray is as calm as ever. His hand still between her legs.

„I did,“ he tells her bluntly. Not even trying to lie to her.

„I never found out where it came from,“ she whispers. „Where did you get the money?“ She adds quizzically. „Didn’t your parents…“

„My father doesn’t care what I do with his money,“ Ray interrupts her, his breath hot against her face. His lips close against her own.

„My brothers,“ Teresa keeps mumbling, starting to feel light headed. „They didn’t steal. You gave them those stuff. The clothes, the toys, the food…“

„You would never have taken it.“ Ray tries to soothe her, finally withdrawing his hand from between her legs. „But once in your house I knew it wouldn’t matter where it came from, because you needed it.“ He lets his right hand cup her cheek gently. „Am I right?“ he asks her.

Teresa can’t help but look away. Shame and guilt rushing through her. She pushes him back, stumbling a few steps away from him. Grabbing the banister to hold herself upright.

She wants to say something, but she’s not sure what she could possibly say to make this better. What she could say to take the embarassment away from her.

It had taken her weeks until she found out her father wasn’t working anymore and she’d been on the verge of panicking when the bills suddenly got paid again. She assumed the fire department had taken over once again, they had done that before.

Turns out she couldn’t have been more wrong.

She feels sick and she just wants to get out of there. She staggers in the direction of the door, stopping halfway.

Where the hell could she possibly go? Home? Where her fathers blood was still dripping from the wall? To her aunt where her brothers already had taken over the couch?

She turns back to Ray. Watching him smirk. A devilish glow emerging in his eyes.

.

She leaves her brothers with her aunt and leaves.

It’s not the perfect arrangement, but it’s the best Teresa can come up with. And it’s definitely a whole lot better than living with their father had been.

She kisses them goodbye and promises them to come by to visit, even though she already knows she won’t. She will send them money and clothes and Skateboards, but she won’t come back home ever again.

Not even for the three of them.

She’s not staying on Campus either. Of course she has a dorm room, but she never really spends her time there. She’s staying wih Ray in his apartment close to the College instead.

She never asks him where the money exactly comes from, never asks him about his father. Or his family for that matter. Maybe she should. But she isn’t sure if she really wants to know. Not sure if she’s ready to hear the truth, because she’s aware that he’s hiding something from her.

The first time she dares to question him, is when he wants her to date another guy. Greg.

„Make him fall in love with you,“ Ray tells her and for a moment she’s sure he’s joking. She turns around, staring in his eyes and suddenly she knows he means it.

„Are you breaking up with me?“ she asks him disbelivingly. Not sure what this is about.

Ray just laughs.

„No, Teresa. Of course not. Why would I do something foolish like that? I just need you to make this guy fall for you. I need you to seduce him. He has something I want and I need to find his weakest spot so he’ll hand it over.“

„You want me to go and sleep with another guy, just because you need something from him?“

Ray shrugs. „It sounds like a bad thing if you’re saying it like that, but yes.“

Teresa can’t believe he’s being serious.

„You can pretend it’s me,“ he tells her with a smirk. Stepping closer, trailing his fingers down her cleavage.

„Why would I do that for you,“ she asks, glaring up at him.

„Because…“ he whispers, bending forward and crashing his lips hard against hers. Making sure she remembers that she owes him for more than just her life.

.

She does what Ray tells her and it doesn’t take much before the poor guy is falling for her.

She goes out with him, acting like she’s having fun. When Greg bends forward to kiss her for the first time she pretends it’s Ray, but she learns pretty fast it won’t work this way.

Her kisses with Ray are rough a passionate, filled with lust and need. Turning into sex every single time.

Greg however kisses her like a school boy, soft and tender. Like she’s some kind of a doll and he’s afraid to break her. He wants to cuddle, just laying down in bed with her. And Teresa wants to scream.

Ray isn’t afraid to hurt her, he pushes her back up against a wall whenever he pleases. Ripping away her clothes and taking her even against a freaking tree in the park when he wants to.

Greg would never even think about something like that. He makes love to her, even though she hates it. She pretends to like it to make him happy, because Ray told her too. But she still hates it.

It’s the most unsatisfying experience in her life and he takes far too long to get the job done. It makes her feel weak and numb and she wishes he would just go a little faster, touch her a little rougher. And make her come for god’s sake.

But of course he doesn’t. He isn’t Ray and he never will be.

Ray just laughs when she tells him one night, pushing her up against the window to do her right. And he makes her come in seconds, barely even touching her.

.

She gets pregnant. She’d been careful, but somehow it happens though. She’s kneeling on the bathroom tiles, throwing up when Ray walks in on her.

„It’s you fault,“ Teresa hisses at him. „You made me do this and now I don’t even know if it’s yours or his.“

She vomits again, her hands grabbing the toilet seat in agony. She doesn’t want to be a mother. She already raised three litttle boys on her own. She’s not going to do this again.

Ray isn’t saying anything, instead he’s kneeling down beside her. Holding back her dark hair with one hand and her trembling body with the other.

And for the first time since her father died, Teresa feels like crying.

Maybe it’s the hatred that’s rushing through her veins like a poison, maybe it’s something else. But a few nights later she wakes up from a cramping pain in her lower abdomen, the bedsheets soaking wet.

She’s searching for the light switch, calling out for Ray to wake up.

When the light illuminates the room she stares at the blood that’s running down her slender legs, turning the sheets crimson.

Ray is staring too, but just for a second before hurrying out of the bed and getting himself dressed. Only then he wrappes her into a blanket, carrying her downstairs and all the way to his car without saying a word.

„I thought you didn’t want it,“ Ray wonders later when they’re back from the hospital and he puts her to bed.

„I didn’t,“ she whispers, tears tumbling down her pale cheeks. Her fingers clutching the clean sheets.

„Then why are you crying,“ he asks her, lying down beside her. His eyes never leaving her face.

„Because I’m not even sorry that it’s gone,“ she admits, breaking down into sobs.

.

Greg finds out that she’d been pregnant a few days later. He’s crushed, sure he lost a child. Doesn’t know that it probably hasn’t even been his to begin with.

He asks her if she wants to marry him and she says yes. Because it’s what Ray told her to do.

Greg buys her a ring, some junk juwelery and Teresa can’t believe she agreed to do something stupid like that. She feels awful for lying, awful for tricking that poor guy. But Ray keeps telling her that it’s important and so she goes along with it.

Sometimes it’s almost fun. And Greg is a nice guy after all. He buys her flowers, takes her out to get a cup of coffee and sometimes they’re just sitting in his dorm room watching old movies together.

But he loves making plans too. Plans about their life together, about getting married in a nice church. About having three kids and a dog. A big house and a white picket fence. Teresa has to fight back a laugh every single time.

When she’s not fooling Greg or sitting in class, Ray takes her out of town. They’re having dinner in expensive restaurants and they’re dancing in the fanciest nightclubs of the country. He buys her high-class dresses, juwelery and everything a little girl from Chicago could dream off.

On the weekends he takes her to Europe. To Italy, France and Greece. He takes her to the Caribbean for her birthday and to England for his own. For Christmas he takes her to Sweden and on New Years Eve they’re staying in Australia.

He shows her the world like he promised her he would, when they’re were sitting under the stairs in her basement.

Greg loves her enough to buy the lies she tells him, too blind to see what’s right before him. But he thinks she’s in love with him, too. So it’s obvious he doesn’t get a thing.

He thinks she’s spending a lot of time with her family. When the truth is she hasn’t seen her brothers since she left for College.

She sends them presents and money. Ray even bails them out of trouble from time to time, but that’s it. They hate her and sometimes it really hurts. She feels like their mother after all.

But going back isn’t an option, not even for Christmas. Looking in their eyes hurts too much.

.

The first time she sees something she shouldn’t is a week after her twenty-first birthday. She’s supposed to have dinner with Greg and spend the night at his place, but she’s feeling sick all of a sudden. And she barely manages to call him to cancel.

She’s curled up in a ball on Rays bed, clutching the sheets against her shaking body. Feeling like she’s about to die. And maybe she is.

Her head is pounding, her throat raw and her whole body hurts like hell. The fever makes her hallucinate and she can’t stop herself from crying, whimpering for her mother like a small child.

She just wants Ray to come home and take care of her like he did when she was fourteen, but he’s not there and he isn’t answering his phone either.

She’s crying and coughing for hours, vomiting on the carpet once or twice during the night. Unable to do anything about it. And it makes her angry and she’s embarassed and cries even more.

It must be after sunrise when she hears the key turning in the lock.

She’s blinking, trying hard to open her eyes until she spots him in the doorframe. For a moment he looks like an angel, illuminated by the hallway light.

He stares at her for a long time, looking furious. A knife in his hands, blood dripping to the floor. And suddenly she’s scared.

Another cough makes her body convulse and before she knows it she’s throwing up again. And even though the room is just dimly lit she sees it’s blood that’s spilling from her mouth and over the satin sheets.

Ray must have seen it too, because a second later he’s at her side. Asks her what happened, his hand searching for hers.

That’s when she sees it, the blood on his arms, his shirt and his pants. The blood that can’t be hers, because he hadn’t been close enough.

She wants to scream, but she ends up coughing again. Blood filling her mouth and then everything turns dark.

.

It’s not just the flu. It’s a double-pneumonia.

When she wakes up in the hospital a day later, attached to a heart monitor and stuff she has no idea what it is for, Ray is sitting right beside her. His hand holding hers, his face as white as the sheets she’s lying on.

Ray tells her she’s lucky she’s still alive. Asks her why she didn’t tell him she wasn’t feeling well yesterday.

Teresa squints her eyes, tries to remember. But she isn’t sure if she’d been feeling sick in the first place. She tells him she’s sorry about his carpet, sorry about his bed sheets. And he just laughs, tears glistening in his eyes.

„I thought I would lose you,“ he tells her, holding her hand so tight it hurts.

It’s then she decides she imagined the blood on his hands. The blood on his shirt. And the knife. She must have. She had been sick, she had been hallucinating. That’s all.

„I’m not going anywhere,“ she assures him, closing her eyes and falling back to sleep.

**.**

**.**


	4. Part IV

**In The End We Will All Burn Together**

**Part IV**

**.**

**.**

A few weeks before graduation, Ray tells her to end things with Greg. He’d gotten what he wanted. Teresa nods, but can’t help feeling a little sad. She had spent a lot of time with Greg and no matter how much he annoyed her sometimes, she kind of likes him.

She meets Greg in his dorm room, gives him back his ring and tells him they’re too different. That she’s sorry. He starts to cry just like she expected him to. He wants her to stay, wants to talk. Starts begging and she can’t help but roll her eyes at him.

She tells him no, takes her stuff and leaves. It’s strange but she finds herself turned on.

When she gets back to Rays apartment he’s waiting. Sitting on his couch in the living room, a glass of bourbon in his hands. He smiles proudly up at her.

„How did it go?“ he asks and Teresa can’t help but chuckle.

„He cried like a baby,“ she tells him, while she puts the box with her stuff. Making her way towards him.

„You had fun hurting him, didn’t you?“ Ray asks her.

Teresa gives him a smile. She takes the glass out of his hand and puts it on the table.

„I did,“ she whispers. She straddles his lap. Recognizes a knowing glow in his eyes.

„You felt great destroying his life, did you?“ He leans forward, his breath sending shivers down her spine.

„I did,“ she admits when she crashes her lips against his. Unable to hold back any longer.

What follows is the best sex she’s ever had.

.

After graduation, they spend some time in Rome. Ray tells her he has some business to do. He keeps her busy by sending her out shopping with his credit card.

But he’s always back in the evening and they eat dinner in great restaurants, go to the theater or to the beach after sun down.

Her italian is almost as fluent as Ray’s. When he starts going out after dinner on his own, she can’t help but be jealous. Every time he tells her he has some business to do, she nods, but she doesn’t believe a single word he says.

When he gets back after midnight, he’s freshly showered. He smells like bleach and disinfectant and goes straight to bed. Too tired to even offer her a kiss. After ten nights in a row she can’t take it anymore.

She waits up for him and when he comes through the hotel room door she’s sitting on the bed. Drunk and naked.

„Am I not good enough anymore?“ she asks him. And she knows she’s being stupid, but she’s too drunk to stop the words from spilling out her mouth. „What is it that you need me to do? Tell me and I’ll do it.“

Before she knows it he has her pressed down on the bed, his hands grabbing her wrists so rough that it hurts. His eyes dark, his soft features turned into something else. And she’s scared.

„You’re never going to question me again, do you understand?“ His grip tightens and she cries out in pain, tears falling down her cheeks.

That’s when he blinks. He lets go of her wrists instantly. Whispers something that sounds like sorry, before he flees the room.

She isn’t sure how long she lies there, staring at the ceiling before she rolls herself into a fetal position and cries herself to sleep.

When she wakes up in the morning, Ray is right beside her. He has his arms around her waist, his warm body softly pressed against hers.

There’s a smile on his face when she turns around and before she knows what’s happening he puts a ring on her finger. A beautiful platinum ring with tiny diamonds, sparkling in the sunlight that’s streaming through the room.

He doesn’t ask if she wants to marry him and she doesn’t say yes. There’s no need to.

Saying no isn’t an option anyway.

.

They’ve just gotten back to the US. She’s ready to start at the San Francisco Police Department when she gets the call.

It’s 3am and it’s Tommy, telling her that Aunt Ginger just died in a car accident. That’s all it takes to make Teresa’s life shatter.

The next thing she knows Ray takes the phone out of her shaking hands.

Teresa sits on the bed, staring at he wall while Ray takes over the conversation. And she knows she has to go back, back to Chicago. Has to take care of her little brothers for the rest of her miserable existence. All her dreams and hopes shattered to pieces in the blink of an eye.

An hour later they’re at the airport, waiting for their flight.

Teresa’s stares out the window and into the sunrise. Unshed tears blurring her vision.

_A car accident._

.

Hours later they’re driving through Chicago’s streets to her old neighborhood on the South Side. It’s cold and it’s snowing and Teresa’s freezing in her thin California clothes.

Ray keeps watching her with a worried expression from the driver’s seat and she bites her lip furiously. Of course he had to choose a black SUV for rental and she already knows what the neighbors are going to say.

_Oh look, Teresa Lisbon is back in town and she got herself a drug cartel boss. Teresa Lisbon? Yeah, you know the one who abandoned her brothers and fled town, now she’s wearing designer clothes and a diamond engagement ring._

The truth is she doesn’t even know for sure that Ray isn’t a drug cartel boss. Because most days it sure looks like it, even to her. But he made it clear that he doesn’t want her to ask him questions. And so she doesn’t. She has no idea if the money really comes from his father or where his father gets it from in the first place.

To be honest she doesn’t even have a clue what Ray means when he tells her he has some business to do when he leaves town.

Looking at the bright side, surely no one would ever try to fuck her over again. And her brothers would be safe too. No one mixes it up with a drug boss. Not even in their neighborhood.

Ten minutes later Ray stops the car in front of her aunt’s house, just two streets away from where she grew up.

„Are you alright?“ he asks her and it almost makes her laugh.

„No,“ she answers him. Of course she isn’t. How could she? But there’s no time to talk, because the front door opens and David comes out.

For a moment Teresa’s stunned. The little eight year old boy who loved to play with cars is now a twelve year old who’s taller than her.

He throws his arms around her the second she gets out of the car and all she can do is stand there and hug him back. Snowflakes melting in their dark hair.

.

Tommy offers her an angry look. James doesn’t look at her at all. And Teresa wishes she could just get back in the car.

Instead she takes over the household, tells the boys to go and take a shower and look for their best clothes for the funeral the next day.

She asks Ray if he could head back to the city to buy some food and warm clothes. And to her surprise he agrees. Maybe he simply can’t wait to leave this mess of a house. She wouldn’t blame him.

Teresa puts away the dishes, collects the dirty laundry and puts them in the washing machine. She takes out the garbage as well as the stack of newspapers piled up on the living room floor.

Her aunt maybe hadn’t been an addict, but she hadn’t been good at keeping the house clean either.

As soon as Teresa’s done cleaning up, she starts looking through the cabinets for the papers the funeral home told her to look for.

When she finally finds them she grabs the phone and starts arranging everything.

Ray takes the boys out for dinner. Teresa is still busy making calls. Around eight she’s finally got everything.

She grabs one of the cardigans Ray bought. It’s cold in the house and she wonders if it’s always had been this cold in Chicago. Maybe she’d been gone too long to remember. But that would change soon enough.

There is no other option. She already knows. David is twelve, Tommy fourteen and James sixteen. She has no fucking choice. She just has to take care of them. That’s what family does and she is all they have left.

What a gift, isn’t it?

And with that thought in mind she starts sobbing. Her knees against her chest, her face buried in her hands. Hot tears streaming down her cheeks, sobs racking her body and making her breathless.

It’s what she deserves for leaving them behind, isn’t it?

After traveling around the world, going to College and spending other people’s money on beautiful things – she’s back home, where she belongs. To suffer for her sins.

.

She finds a bottle of vodka in one of the drawers and drinks it even though it tastes like crap. Before she knows it, she’s wasted. Her head hurts and her eyes burn and she barely manages to keep herself in a sitting position on the floor.

Eight hours back on the South Side and she’s already a freaking mess. God, how much she hates her damn life.

It’s James who finds her, sitting there on the living room floor laughing. She wants to ask him why he isn’t with Ray and his brothers, but she’s too drunk and all she gets out is some drunk babbling.

„You’re just like dad, aren’t you, Reese?“ James tells her before he heads up the stairs.

Teresa keeps listening to his steps, staring at the wall. He’s right she knows. She left them, too. Just like their dad did when he started drinking.

Somehow she manages to get up. Shaking, stumbling through the hallway, up the stairs and into the bathroom. She locks the door behind her as she tries to calm herself down.

Before she knows it she’s looking through the cabinets like a lunatic.

She finds what she’s looking for in the back of the medicine cabinet, sinking to the floor with the razor in her trembling fingers. She shouldn’t do it, she knows. It’s childish, it’s wrong and Ray will see and they’ll fight again. But she can’t stop herself from pulling up her sleeves.

She watches the blood spill from the cuts on her wrists, slowly dripping to the white tiles. The steady rhythm of the blood calms her down. The pain clears her head and sobers her up.

She grabs the sink to pulls herself upright. When she stands on her own feet she realizes that the blood on the floor almost looks like a face.

Or maybe she’s just drunk.

She bends down to her knees, to dip her fingers in the warm blood. A moment later she can’t help but laugh at the sight of the smiling face, she’s just drawn in her own blood. She’s such a freaking mess. Even that face on the floor is laughing at her.

It’s then that the bathroom door bursts open. Ray stares at her for a second before he closes the door behind him.

„Damn it, Teresa,“ he growls at her. Grabbing her harshly, before he puts a towel around her wrists to stop the bleeding. „What do you think you’re doing?“

And suddenly she knows what she has to do. He got her out of there once, he’s going to do it again.

It’s selfish, but she already won the prize for being the worst daughter in history. Doesn’t really matter if she ends up being the worst sister in history, too.

„I can’t come back here, Ray,“ she whispers, while she grabs the collar of his shirt and pulls him close. „It’s going to kill me,“ she allows her voice to break and her tears to fall. Holding on to his shirt for dear life. Trying her best to look like the scared teenage girl she once was.

He just looks at her, while he brushes her tears away with his fingers. „You don’t have to,“ he tells her.

And Teresa has to bury her face against his chest to hide her smile.

.

The funeral is a blur. She’s hung over like hell and Ray has to steady her with his arms to keep her from falling over. Her eyes are hidden behind sunglasses even though it’s still snowing.

There are just a few people from the neighborhood. Those who aren’t working or too drunk to get up before noon. And Teresa just wants to scream. If she has to stay in this nightmare, she’s going to be one of them. She knows.

But like Ray told her, in the end she doesn’t have to. He finds a family her brothers can stay with.

It’s a nice middle-aged couple that always wanted to have kids. They live in the city in a big house where each of the three boys will have a room for himself.

And they won’t just change their neighborhood, they’re going to transfer school too and that means a lot of hope for their future. Child Protective Services agrees right from the start, glad they don’t have to find a place for them on their own and Teresa is relieved.

But her brothers aren’t happy. They want her to stay or take them with her to California. They want to be a family and she can’t tell them that she doesn’t want that. That she wants her life for herself. That she doesn’t want to take over the role of her parents. That she just doesn’t want to take care of them.

When they finally say their goodbyes, James and Tommy won’t even look at her. They hate her even more than they did before. But David gives her a hug and tells her that he still loves her no matter what and she almost bursts into tears.

She gives him a kiss on the forehead, before she hurries back to the car. Not looking back once.

.

They celebrate her first day at the police academy with a club night, lots of champagne and in the end she even allows Ray to handcuff her to the bed and have his way with her.

She is sad that she has to go alone, but Ray assures her it’s going to be fine. She’ll do well just how she did in College and he’s right. Even through he graduated with her in the end, she can barely remember having seen him on campus.

But whatever Ray is doing, he’s far more busy than she is and after a few months Teresa feels lonely.

One night she waits for him in their apartment, a glass of wine in her hand. She stares at the diamond ring on her finger. The ring he only wants her to wear when she’s with him. And of course he’s right, it doesn’t fit her police uniform.

When her phone rings she knows it’s him, calling her to cancel their plans.

She’s mad at him for more than one reason and she has to resist the urge to throw the glass against the wall. Instead she ends up in her favorite bar all by herself.

She keeps dancing with this guy, they talk and he offers to buy her a drink. She knows she should know better, but she just wants to forget. And Ray doesn’t really care if she’s having fun with another guy anyway.

He was the one who wanted her to seduce Greg after all.

Before she knows it she’s feeling weird. Her head hurts, her eyes keep falling shut and she thinks she might throw up. But how’s that even possible? She only had one drink, hadn’t she?

She wants to go home, but she can’t find her purse. She wants to call Ray, but she can’t remember his phone number. She tries to get up, but she stumbles and falls. And then someone takes her arm and guides her in the direction of the back entrance.

It’s the guy from the dance floor, she realizes and it’s just then that it hits her what’s going on, but it’s already too late. She tries to fight him off, but she’s too tired. Her movements unsteady and her fists never hitting the mark. He has her pressed up against a wall. His hands and lips all over her.

She wants to scream, but he just puts a hand over her mouth to keep her quite. This is going to end badly, she knows. And there’s nothing she can do about it. She feels a tear trickle down her cheek and hears him laugh.

It’s her own fault, she shouldn’t have come here. She tries to fight him again, but he’s too strong and she’s too weak with whatever he put in her drink. There’s no way she’s going to stop this.

That’s when she gives up, her eyes falling shut.

The next thing she knows, she’s lying on the pavement. Rain soaks her clothes, while she’s watches Ray cut the guy’s throat.

**.**

**.**


End file.
